We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
