Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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