but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Randomize
