loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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