I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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