i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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