Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
