I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Randomize