you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
we're so committed to being not committed
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
