Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
