mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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