Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
