The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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