How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
