I accidentally burped into my bong.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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