Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
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Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
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I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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