I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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