I wish I could punch you in the face.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
