All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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