I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
ugly people sure do ruin things
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
