mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
