people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
