Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
