dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize