My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
you had me at cake vodka
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Randomize
