Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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