Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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