Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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