so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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