Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
