that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
