I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
