you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
