Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
