I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
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we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
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i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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