she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
