Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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