I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
