so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
