just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize