I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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