I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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