You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
