i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
