I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
