Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
