in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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