apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
