I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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