Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I need to sanitize my soul.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
