Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
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