you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We're too hungover to prance.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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