Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
