listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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