I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
