don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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