My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
