I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
