Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
